Trying to figure it out...

Sit down.

This is a long one.

 You've heard me say, more than once,

okay almost every day, that I can't find a balance in my life between

home and school and art and keeping it all together.

There just aren't enough hours in a day, right?

 

And I've just been feeling overwhelmed,

and scattered and a little bit lost.

And that feeling pulls me into depression.

I just kind of shut down when I know that I can't succeed.

That I will never be able to do it all, you know?

 

All day, from 6am to about 8pm I do kids OR teach school and then home.

 And I like it. I'm thankful for my boys and my schedule.

But that in itself is plenty. More than enough to fill up life.

 

But then there is art.

There is this passion. This longing

that fills me up and makes me happy.

But my art time is precious..

I have between 8pm and 12pm to create. That's it.

And that's only on days I have energy left to create 

after a full day of kids.

 

Enter art licensing.

Last October. I received an email from AD Lines Eurogroup,

wanting to represent my work for art licensing.

Before they contacted me, I thought licensing was it.

the goal. the end all. be all.

And once I got there I would have arrived.

I've discovered that, while it's exciting to think about having my work in real live stores,

it's a lot, a lot, a lot of long hours, without guaranteed pay.

You create collections that take hours and days and weeks.

blood, sweat, and tears.

sleepless nights wake to crazy busy days with the littles.

and then you hope people buy them.

And you have no idea how much you might make.

And it feels like working for free.

 

So, after several months of insanity and exhaustion,

and what feels like running in circles,

I've run out of steam and everything else.

I'm asking myself...

What am I doing here?

Where am I investing my life?

my time? my energy?

 

And it all seems really futile and

 fleeting and pointless.

If our life is but a breath...

then what am I doing?

 

I haven't read my Bible.

I haven't spend time in the presence of Jesus.

I ask for "Help me!" prayers

"Please bless this thing I'm doing!"

but rarely do I ask God to let me be a part of what He is doing.

To join in His rescue plan for bringing his children back to himself. 

Rarely do I stop to ask Him His plan for my life.

Mostly I just tell Him my plan and and run ahead, leaving Him in the dust.

 

I feel like God has a great big purpose for my life.

And I feel like I'm missing it.

I'm running around in circles. Chasing my tail.

 I'm not taking time to listen to God and lean into Him.

I haven't made him a priority. Just an after thought.

 

 And then I went to bible study and heard this amazing message from Christine Caine

about frogs and Pharoah and how God wants to remove my frogs

and restore intimacy with Him today.

not tomorrow.

 

and occurred to me that I've been living for tomorrow.

 I've been waiting for God to remove my frogs...

tomorrow.

I've been waiting...

until the kid are older

until I have more time.

until, until, until...

 

And God has been whispering...

This is the day that the Lord has made.

today is the day of salvation.

Today is the day.

because there is no tomorrow.

 

I love this verse where Moses pleads with the Israelites:

 

******************

Today I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you

that I have set before you life and death,

blessings and curses.

Now choose life,

so that you and your

children may live.

and that you may love the LORD your God,

listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.

For the LORD is your life,

and he will give you many years in the land

he swore to give to your fathers,

Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

 

******************

So, I'm stepping back.

I'm sleeping.

I'm finally open to

whatever God has for me.

I'm sitting and waiting and being still.

And it feels good.

 

Thanks for listening.