Trusting God

I've felt overwhelmed for the past months

and I've blamed it on having a baby and going back to work,

which has all contributed, but, it's more than that.

A while back I wrote this post about feeling like

 I really needed to be home with my boys, being their momma,

and ever since then I've been planning and controlling and scheming

ways to get to stay home with them, to work part time,

 to share a teaching contract, for the next 30 years.

And not have to work full time.

But I've also been  freaking out about it on the inside.

freaking out to the point of paralysis

so full of fear about my tomorrows that I can't even enjoy my todays.

Staying up late night trying to figure out how I can make this work,

after all, I'm a pull-yourself-by-your-bootstraps-and-make-it-happen kind of girl.

and I realized that I've been holding this thing so close to my
heart with clenched fists, afraid to give it to God.
{um, no thanks, I can figure this out on my own.}

and I just realized that my fear is me not trusting God.

Not trusting that He is good.
Not trusting that He is in control.
Not trusting that he is for me,
on my side.

and in my brain, I know the truth.

I know that God is good.
I know that He is in control.
I know that he is for me.
I know that he is on my side.
even if I don't get my way all of time.
all of these things remain true.

but I need to surrender this idol to Him.

to bring it to his feet and trust in my heart what I know in my head to be true.
This book is speaking so much truth into my life. 

It's such an encouragement.
I reminder of the truth of who God is.

...we learn to trust God in the midst of our pain, whatever form it may take.
 It doesn't matter whether our pain is trivial or traumatic, temporary or interminable.
Regardless of the nature of the circumstances,
we must learn to trust God if we would glorify God in them.

And what struck me is that trusting God is a learned behavior.

It's not natural. It's something I can get better at. But not by myself.
Learning things takes practice. Daily practice. over and over again.

And so there's hope as I practice placing my trust in God every single day.

and believeing in my heart what I know in my head to be true:

God is good. God is in control. God is for me.

Absolutely nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

Not even myself.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—
how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:31-32

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
 neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,
neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation,
will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39

Today:
We returned home from our beach vacation & collapsed.

Now we're doing all of the coming home work of unpacking &
 laundry & settling back in to life.

I love going away, but even more than that, I love coming home.