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Saturday, September 21

Trying to figure it out...

Sit down.
This is a long one.
 You've heard me say, more than once,
okay almost every day, that I can't find a balance in my life between
home and school and art and keeping it all together.
There just aren't enough hours in a day, right?
 
And I've just been feeling overwhelmed,
and scattered and a little bit lost.
And that feeling pulls me into depression.
I just kind of shut down when I know that I can't succeed.
That I will never be able to do it all, you know?
 
All day, from 6am to about 8pm I do kids OR teach school and then home.
 And I like it. I'm thankful for my boys and my schedule.
But that in itself is plenty. More than enough to fill up life.
 
But then there is art.
There is this passion. This longing
that fills me up and makes me happy.
But my art time is precious..
I have between 8pm and 12pm to create. That's it.
And that's only on days I have energy left to create 
after a full day of kids.
 
Enter art licensing.
Last October. I received an email from AD Lines Eurogroup,
wanting to represent my work for art licensing.
Before they contacted me, I thought licensing was it.
the goal. the end all. be all.
And once I got there I would have arrived.
I've discovered that, while it's exciting to think about having my work in real live stores,
it's a lot, a lot, a lot of long hours, without guaranteed pay.
You create collections that take hours and days and weeks.
blood, sweat, and tears.
sleepless nights wake to crazy busy days with the littles.
and then you hope people buy them.
And you have no idea how much you might make.
And it feels like working for free.
 
So, after several months of insanity and exhaustion,
and what feels like running in circles,
I've run out of steam and everything else.
I'm asking myself...
What am I doing here?
Where am I investing my life?
my time? my energy?
 
And it all seems really futile and
 fleeting and pointless.
If our life is but a breath...
then what am I doing?
 
I haven't read my Bible.
I haven't spend time in the presence of Jesus.
I ask for "Help me!" prayers
"Please bless this thing I'm doing!"
but rarely do I ask God to let me be a part of what He is doing.
To join in His rescue plan for bringing his children back to himself. 
Rarely do I stop to ask Him His plan for my life.
Mostly I just tell Him my plan and and run ahead, leaving Him in the dust.
 
I feel like God has a great big purpose for my life.
And I feel like I'm missing it.
I'm running around in circles. Chasing my tail.
 I'm not taking time to listen to God and lean into Him.
I haven't made him a priority. Just an after thought.
 
 And then I went to bible study and heard this amazing message from Christine Caine
about frogs and Pharoah and how God wants to remove my frogs
and restore intimacy with Him today.
not tomorrow.
 
and occurred to me that I've been living for tomorrow.
 I've been waiting for God to remove my frogs...
tomorrow.
I've been waiting...
until the kid are older
until I have more time.
until, until, until...
 
And God has been whispering...
This is the day that the Lord has made.
today is the day of salvation.
Today is the day.
because there is no tomorrow.
 
I love this verse where Moses pleads with the Israelites:
 
******************
Today I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you
that I have set before you life and death,
blessings and curses.
Now choose life,
so that you and your
children may live.
and that you may love the LORD your God,
listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.
For the LORD is your life,
and he will give you many years in the land
he swore to give to your fathers,
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
 
******************
So, I'm stepping back.
I'm sleeping.
I'm finally open to
whatever God has for me.
I'm sitting and waiting and being still.
And it feels good.
 
Thanks for listening.
 
Photobucket

6 comments:

  1. Blessings and peace and love to you, Erin! I am doing the very same thing...being present in the moment, being open to God's will, being grateful for today's gifts...which are many. Hugs, kath

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  2. Yes to this. Yes to spending daily time in the presence of our King, and to quietly seeking His plans. Yes to ceasing striving on our own in order to come along side Him and allow Him to offer His strength.

    This is where I have to keep returning myself. Our fleshy selves want to go and do and not wait, but you are wise. And I love your work. And I love hearing your story.

    Keep seeking that glorious God.

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  3. Hi Erin! I'm so glad you shared your story. Your dilemma sounds similar to what I went through with the whole teaching thing. In my heart, it is what I was meant to do. But when running around the country exhausted me (physically, emotionally, etc.), I had to step back and reassess. It was hard. There were tears. I love the art. I must make the art. I want to share the art. But do I need to exhaust myself doing it? No, probably not. I wouldn't change what I did, but I am glad that I took (am taking) a break. The art will still be in us later when the timing is better. Even if the timing is next week after you get some sleep. Breaks are good, sleep is good. :) Hugs to you.

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  4. I don't know if you remember me or not, but you and I were roommates at Artfest a few years ago. I am also a Christian and live next to you in Escondido. I have been feeling the exact same way lately. I feel comforted in knowing that I am not alone!! Thanks so much for sharing.

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  5. Thank you for this post. I needed to read it tonight, especially...

    I haven't read my Bible. I haven't spend time in the presence of Jesus. I ask for "Help me!" prayers
    "Please bless this thing I'm doing!" but rarely do I ask God to let me be a part of what He is doing. To join in His rescue plan for bringing his children back to himself. Rarely do I stop to ask Him His plan for my life. Mostly I just tell Him my plan and and run ahead, leaving Him in the dust.


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  6. Wow Erin, your post is exactly what I need today. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. I see God blessing you and blessing us through you!

    ReplyDelete