If you've read my blog for any time you know that
I've only in the last 3 years found this art gift.
And that's exactly what it is to me:
a pure gift.
And I know that gifts are meant to be used and given away,
but I'm kinda like a five year old at a birthday party.
I wanna cling to this gift that I brought,
that was meant to be given,
hold it tightly in my hands,
and not let it go.
But I'm learning to surrender. to lay it down.
I'm learning that the gift does not belong to me.
The gift, in fact, has very little to do with me.
It is to be used and given.
And the gift to me is that
I get to be a part of it.
a broken vessel.
a jar of clay.
As I good friend (and by good friend I mean therapist) recently said to me:
Do you hear yourself? And why do you think this belongs to you?
This has very little to do with you.
Like your time. Like your money.
It's not yours. It doesn't belong to you.
You get to use it.
That's the blessing.
I keep reading and rereading different parts of this book.
And it's helping me get perspective.
So now, before I start anything in the studio I pray.
I had to write down my prayers.
They help me remember.
Because I forget.
Here they are:
Here they are:
Lord, please use me. Please use this gift.
Lord, let me be available to you.
I lay it down at your feet.
Please use it for your glory.
Please lead me where you want me to go.
Please remind me that it belongs to you and you you alone.
And not me. Please use it. Use me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for this gift. For this time. For this space.
My dear sweet friend Henri Nouwen,
always, always speaks right to my soul.
I love this prayer:
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love,
unconditional, everlasting love.
Now, that's what I'm talkin' about. My heart.
Thank you, Henri.